Top 5 Characters I WOULDN’T Take into a Haunted House

This week’s Top 5 Tuesday, hosted by Shanah the Bionic Bookworm, is super fun. The idea is characters you DON’T want to bring into a haunted house. The way I’m looking at it, I’m not thinking of a ‘just for fun’ haunted house full of actors. I’m talking, “I’m going into Hill House, who’s NOT coming with me?”

The Black Rock Witch
(Hex by Thomas Olde Heuvelt)

Whatever house you walk into with the witch from Hex is now a Haunted House. She’s number one on a different list called, “Characters you’d want to walk out of a haunted house.” Cause in reverse, the witch from Hex walks out of a haunted house and it becomes an ordinary, boring house.

Sevro
(Red Rising by Pierce Brown)

To be fair, he’d keep me safe, but he’d keep using me as bait. I’d never know where he was, something to come for me, and he’d jump out of a closet (or a dead horse) and take the thing down.

Ashlinn
(Nevernight by Jay Kristoff)

Something super scary would happen, I’d turn around to Ashlinn for help and she’d be gone. Not only would she be gone, but I’d also find my achilles tendons slashes, leaving me unable to run. Yes, I’d effectively me an immobile snack for whatever came along. Oh, and all of my things, like any weapons or valuables, would also suddenly be gone.

Bod
(The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman)

He’d know everyone and everything in the haunted house like they’ve been besties forever. They’d all be socializing and catching up while I’m standing on the sidelines, not talking to anyone. So now I’m feeling awkward AND there’s pee running down my leg. Who’s idea was this, anyway?

Hermione or Harry
(Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling)

You might think they’d be good ones to take with me. Battling evil and whatnot, but no. They’re far too heroic. It’s easy to look like a hero next to Shaggy and Scooby Too, but standing next to Hermione I’d look like a puddle of wuss. Just soaked in my own urine, ugly crying, while Hermione flicks and swishes all the monsters out of existence. It’s just not good for my image, okay?!

Fun fact about this post: I don’t know for a fact that I’d wet myself in a haunted house. It’s just not the kind of thing I’m willing to rule out just yet.